Right now, I do not know where my daughter is and have not seen or heard from her for over 5 months.
My daughter, Chelsea, by all accounts, grew up and seemed to have everything going for her. She was involved in sports, cheerleading, and did well in school academically. Needless to say, it was an incredible shock when she was fifteen, and her life took such an unexpected turn. Sadly, she had a friend who took his own life, and the family held a memorial service, which she attended. For three days, we had no idea where she was or what had happened. We learned later that this nightmare started when someone spiked her drink and then assaulted her and injected her with heroin. She was only fifteen!
The daughter we knew changed so fast that we had no idea how this could happen. Within a year, Chelsea had been in and out of jail too many times to count. She was engaging in all kinds of criminal activity – all surrounding her use of drugs. Little did we know then that this was going to still be going on over twenty years later, or that she would have a child she could not take care of. Over the years, she has been to rehab at least ten different times. During these years, we tried many things to “help,” Chelsea. At first, I thought that when she got out of jail, I should help her out, thinking this was a promising idea because some of these times she was sober and seemed to be embracing recovery. I offered her a room in the basement of our home. However, my misguided trust only went so far, as we set a boundary that she could not be there when we were gone. For these times, I decided to set up a tent in the backyard for her. Looking back, I realize that we just wanted to do anything we could to help her, but also how these ideas never worked. It seemed that these types of “boundaries,” where we tried to control the outcome worked less than 24 hours before she was back to using again! Eventually, I realized she just could not live with me.
I cannot believe it but as I write this, it has been twenty-two years since this all started. Chelsea is now 38 years old and there still does not seem to be an end in sight. I was recently called to the hospital because she had overdosed and stopped breathing twice. Although they had revived her, they had her in a medically induced coma. We thought maybe this would be the point she would realize how bad it was but once she regained consciousness, she walked out of the hospital on her own. She did not accept help or seek out recovery. Currently, we have no clue where she is, or where to start looking. To our knowledge, when she walked out, she had no home, no clothes other than what she was wearing, no money. We can only assume she went back to her old ways and earns her money on the streets, stealing when necessary. We felt hopeless.
It was then that I found PAL as I was doing an online search before beginning a journal about this journey we are on. I was looking for information for parents with addicted loved ones. I saw the information for PAL and started going to meetings. I watched the PAL YouTube channel and found many videos that helped me understand this issue. I started to understand addiction and my role.
In all of this my daughter had a child along the way and could not care for her. I have been raising her since she was born, and she is now in high school. I see in her hope for the future and maybe one day, Chelsea will be reunited with her daughter.
In the meantime, PAL has taught me that I am not alone. I have learned to set boundaries, and found healthy ways to stop enabling my daughter should she come back into our lives. PAL has educated me on how to break the caretaker negative cycle and our relationship from unhealthy to healthy should we have the opportunity to rebuild how we interact with each other. Today, my husband and I take things one day at a time and turn to God daily. There is no getting around how hard this is right now. I have learned that I cannot help someone who does not want to help themselves. However, she is and will always be our daughter, and I will continue to pray for Chelsea, knowing that my PAL group is praying for both of us. That will always bring me comfort and hope.
A PAL Mom
