When Love Means Doing Things Differently
I am the parent of four children and two grandchildren. My daughter, Rita, was adopted from another country as an infant. At the age of fifteen, she became pregnant and made the loving decision to place her child up for adoption. Through that experience, she helped create a meaningful relationship with the adoptive family and has even encouraged other young women facing similar situations.
However, in high school, Rita began drinking alcohol. Like many young people, she was trying to fit in. She is a vibrant, fun, and loving young woman—but when she drinks, her personality changes dramatically. She becomes harmful to herself and others. While she does not drink every day, when she does, the consequences can be serious—blackouts, car accidents, and angry, hurtful behavior.
Today, at twenty-one, Rita has been to rehab twice. As a family, we have encouraged her to stay connected to support through therapy and AA meetings, and we continue to have ongoing conversations about her choices. At the same time, we came to realize something important: we needed help too.
That is when we found PAL through an ad in a magazine and decided to attend a meeting.
My husband and I now go to PAL together. Through PAL, we are learning a new way of responding—one that looks different than what we naturally wanted to do. We are learning to step back, to set healthier boundaries, and to care for our whole family—not just react to the crisis in front of us.
We have found great comfort in listening to other parents who have been walking this path longer than we have. Their honesty and experience give us both perspective and hope.
Our prayer is that by recognizing Rita’s struggles early and by learning these healthier ways to respond, she will make choices that lead to lasting recovery. PAL has helped us understand that loving our daughter does not mean trying to manage her life—it means supporting her while allowing her to face the natural consequences of her decisions.
Today, Rita is finishing aesthetician school and plans to build a career in that field. She is currently without a car following an accident while driving intoxicated, but she has been saving toward a down payment for another one. She tells us she is learning from these experiences, and we hold on to that hope and are no longer jumping in and doing these things for her.
We also recognize that recovery is rarely a straight line. There may be more setbacks ahead, but we are learning to cherish the good days in between. In the meantime, my husband and I are focusing on living our lives—traveling, spending time with our grandchildren, and strengthening our own relationship.
We continue to set boundaries and do our best to maintain them, knowing that consistency matters. It is not always easy, but with what we are learning through PAL, we are facing each challenge with greater strength, clarity, and hope.
One of the most important lessons for us has been this:
Sometimes love means doing things differently—stepping back so your loved one has the space to move forward.
—A PAL Parent
