My husband and I have been married for 43 years and have two sons. Our oldest son is married and has a baby. When our sons were growing up, our home was filled with neighborhood kids and school friends.
Our youngest son began with marijuana in middle school and gradually experimented with other drugs and drinking in high school. We were naive about what was going on with him early on because he was home most of the time. His behavior began to change in his senior year, and he had his first DUI at 18 years old and then another at 21.
My husband was always forgiving and patient with him and I was the enforcer. One evening, I went through our son’s bedroom and found items indicating that he was dealing drugs from our home. My husband and I continued to have differences on how to address the issues with our son. I moved out to get away from the situation we were living in and sought counseling. The counselor recommended my husband immediately attend Celebrate Recovery meetings to gain personal insight. In the meantime, I sought a group that would help me cope with our situation and found PAL.
Eventually we were attending PAL meetings together and began the process of learning new skills. The meetings were also a safe place to openly discuss our situation. Arguing, threatening, and blaming did not work with our son. Giving our son healthy boundaries helped us, knowing it was the right thing to do, and we often referred to PAL worksheets to keep us focused.
Our son was homeless for several years and things seemed hopeless. During this time, he landed in jail and went through rehab several times. The last time he was in jail he was there for 11 months when he reached out to us. He told us this was all on him and we were great parents. We sent him postcards weekly with uplifting messages, always telling him we loved him. It was during this time our son decided he had enough and committed to do the work to move forward. Jail is a consequence none of us wants to experience but it was through this that he went through 30 days of mandatory rehab with Chicanos Por La Causa and afterward he let us know how helpful this was.
When he was released, he went through mandatory rehab and this time he said things felt different and he was done making poor decisions. He sought sober living homes but each time he thought he found a place, the doors closed on him. Feeling anxious and frustrated, he asked if he could live with us temporarily to find employment and purchase a car. This time we had boundaries and we knew what to do if things did not work out.
He found a job within 3 weeks and began adjusting to living a responsible life. As a family we worked together through the healing process of building trust and bringing joy back into our lives. Through PAL we learned about delayed emotional growth and how to treat him as the adult that he was. The most helpful thing we learned from PAL is that every family may have some unique issues, but there are healthy ways we can respond. We gave him the room necessary to grow as he budgeted his finances, opened a bank account, purchased a phone, clothing, basically started stepping into life and becoming independent.
I’m most thankful for PAL because it helped us understand the many aspects of our son’s addiction and the importance of setting healthy boundaries, as difficult as it was for us at times. Learning about delayed emotional growth helped us understand our son needed time to grow and develop emotionally and socially. We had some challenges as we healed from past experiences but had learned how to handle things differently. Our son can have honest and open conversations with us without us passing judgement. He says it’s good to have his mom back and has an incredible bond with his dad. Our son is now 35 and has been sober for 2 ½ years, has a beautiful girlfriend and is developing a plan for his future. PAL helped us through the darkest and desperate times and always gave us hope that it was possible for our son to recover.
Thankful PAL Mom
