I am a proud father and grandfather of three grown children and four beautiful grandchildren. I was raised in a major city in the Midwest. My family was deeply affected by substance use disorder. My father battled alcohol addiction for years, but he finally stopped drinking when I was 13. Unfortunately, that same year, my struggles with alcohol and drugs began. Over the years, I drank, smoked, and used every drug I encountered, from alcohol to heroin.
In 1974, at the age of 22, my journey to freedom began through a Christian drug recovery program. God started the process of delivering me from addiction, and my life began to change.
However, I didn’t realize at the time that my children would inherit a similar proclivity for substance abuse. All of them are intelligent and grew up attending church, yet they drifted toward drugs at an early age. My oldest son, Michael, now 47, struggles with opioid addiction, and my youngest daughter, Lisa, battles prescription drug abuse.
I only began to grasp the severity of their addictions when Michael was hospitalized due to opioids, and Lisa started stealing pills from her job as a nurse. Michael has been through two recovery facilities, which helped him make progress. He was trying to keep his life together, but it was becoming more and more unmanageable. At least he has a job, and they let him take a leave of absence to go to rehab. This was what he told me. He did it for him; he realized he was losing it all and had no idea how he would continue if he lost his job on top of everything else.
Lisa who has this amazing career as a nurse, has lost at least 20 jobs because of stealing prescription drugs. This got to the point that she was arrested for stealing morphine from her employer. Most recently, she lost her job after managing 20 days of sobriety. Witnessing the cycle of recovery and relapses in both my children has been heartbreaking and exhausting, and I realized I couldn’t navigate it alone.
I prayed for years for their recovery, but I felt lost and overwhelmed. Searching for help, I discovered PAL (Parents of Addicted Loved Ones). What drew me to PAL was how it was run by parents and their commonality, and I could see that it’s too much to try to solve this alone. In my case, I firmly believe that only God can truly help them.
Through PAL, I am learning to surrender control over their recovery. I am choosing to trust God that He knows what He is doing. I’ve also come to understand the importance of practicing self-care and the difference between supporting my children and enabling them. If I had to answer the top three things I learned from PAL they would be, first, understanding how emotional growth affects behavior. Second, the importance of treating both my son and daughter like adults and releasing the need for me to always rescue them. And third, releasing them is a form of love that helps them assume responsibility for their behavior. I never gave up on them and I love them, but I also now understand that love can look different when dealing with addiction.
Now I am a facilitator for PAL. As a facilitator, the most rewarding thing for me is to see the light bulb come on for other parents. By that, I mean they can love and support their children WITHOUT enabling them, and they can help in healthy ways. For example, I let my daughter know that I’m stopping taking her to work because I feel that it’s setting her up for failure. I am learning over time that she will gain self-esteem from solving her problems and that I do not have to be the one to step in. That was a hard boundary for me to set, but I’m starting to feel more at peace with that decision. I let her know that it’s up to her to figure out her recovery. I made sure to tell her that I know she has the resilience and intelligence to make that work. My son lives in another city, but I’m allowing him to continue his growth on his own. That is increasing mutual respect between us.
Today, Michael is sober and in recovery, doing well. Just last week, his fiancée gave birth to my first grandson and my second grandchild. He is basking in his role as a father of a new son. His children are very important to him, and this is something he has also told me motivates him to stay the course. Lisa recently lost another job, but I am at peace letting her face the consequences on her own.
Inspired by my journey, I started facilitating PAL meetings to support myself and other parents facing similar struggles. I am grateful for the tools and encouragement PAL provides as I continue to trust God’s plan for my family.
Grateful PAL Dad and Grandfather
