I am the natural parent of two boys, and I have one stepson and one stepdaughter. Our journey began with my son, Ryan. He was very intelligent and caring. He enjoyed basketball, tennis, and theater. In his teens, after I remarried, he started smoking pot and drinking with friends.
We made the decision to take Ryan to another state to a school for troubled teens in his junior year of high school. It was very structured and costly, and due to financial difficulties, we were only able to have him there for 6 months. The good news then was that he was sober and was back to playing tennis, but it was not long, and the cycle began again. He managed to graduate from high school. However, he also had a run-in with the local police, although it was not that serious. He started to work for his stepdad and was doing relatively ok while he lived with us. Then things changed when he decided to move about 100 miles away with his dad. I knew that would not go well based on how they interacted, and they were not a good fit. Although he managed to avoid problems with the police, he did get into an altercation where he was beaten up very badly and required surgery on an eye and a finger.
Sadly, he has no memory of the attack where he had his keys, phone, and wallet taken. This was somewhat of a wake-up call, and after this, he reached out and wanted to come back to my area and go to treatment. We agreed, and that lasted a few months. However, once again, he dropped out and ended up on the street for the first time. The cycle continued, and at one point, he made it through a nine-month rehab and then went to a halfway house where he worked for about 6 months. It seemed like things were really doing well; now he had a job, a girlfriend, and a house to live in. Then the COVID pandemic hit, and the next thing we knew, he was back on the streets and being picked up for trespassing and resisting arrest, and we found out he was high on meth. At this point, he was in and out of jail, and we were not willing to bail him out.
I had attended Al-Anon for years, starting when my son was a baby, as I was dealing with my husband, who suffered from alcoholism. When I got remarried later, my son was now a teenager, and my new husband was certain he could “fix” him. He tried many things, like tough love, punishing through consequences when he violated the rules, and even sending him away from home to try new surroundings. My tools at the time were what I learned for years with my first husband, but it just wasn’t working.
My son did finally end up in a long-term treatment program, and while he was there, we went for a Christmas visit. The program had us watch a video before we saw him, and PAL was introduced. I decided to give it a try, and that January, I started visiting one of the PAL National Online meetings. They were sharing Lesson 2, and instantly I was a fan! I did the virtual meetings every week and then also found an in-person meeting close by. I unfortunately did not have support from my husband; at this point, he was very angry and essentially didn’t want anything to do with this. I read Mike Speakman’s book, The Four Seasons of Recovery, and put the information I read to work. One of the first things I learned was to give no immediate answers! And no unasked-for help or advice! A new PAL meeting started nearby that worked well with my schedule. Once I attended, I knew it was a great fit, and the group instantly bonded and grew to about 20 people. I love my PAL group and reach out to my PAL friends in times of crisis and celebration. I would like to say that I now reside in the lobby of The Hope Hotel, and that the elevator is broken (for now). I am in a better place, and I would not have the serenity and happiness I daily enjoy without PAL.
It was over two years ago that Ryan went into the long-term recovery program and was doing well. He did have a relapse when his girlfriend left the country; he found himself with nowhere to live. He ended up back on the streets for three months and one jail visit. He has since moved to a new rehab about 100 miles away. He graduated from that program and moved to sober living. Now, he texts or calls regularly, and he will be starting a new college semester online soon. Ryan is still in Intensive Outpatient (IOP), and at least for now, he takes care of himself. He is currently 38 years old, and I have finally found the ability to let him make his own decisions without my help.
Today, I find I can only talk about the details of my son’s addiction in my meetings. Others who have not experienced it just do not seem to be able to relate to me, even my husband. I am now retired from my career, and I have a new job where I work a couple of days a week. I enjoy going to car shows with our classic car, traveling, reading, and having fun with friends. I no longer worry, and I do pray about everything! Today, as I write this, I am watching it rain even though I am on vacation. I’m thankful for the rain, sun, snow, and whatever is thrown my way! I am a Parent of an Addicted Loved One, and I am thankful he is alive and sober and in recovery as I focus just on today!
Thanks, PAL!
Thankful PAL Mom
