We are a family of four. My husband and I have two children, a daughter (22) and a son (23). We are a close family, and I had so much fun raising both of our children. I always wanted a son and a daughter (I actually wanted twins) and I am thankful that God gave me the desire of my heart. As a mom, I tried to protect them and to be sure I knew who they were hanging out with. I was very intentional about who they could spend the night with and tried to be intentional with my time as a mom with them. I say that because I really think that I thought I was entitled to have my children be “ok” since I did everything that I thought I was supposed to do.
My son John was athletic and loved trying all sorts of sports (soccer, basketball, football). He loved being with other kids and did great in school. He has the most infectious laugh! My daughter Lisa loved cheerleading and singing and acting as a young girl. She loved animals and loved to read. My favorite memories of us included Disney World, Disney Land and all the beach trips we took with extended family. My parents had a cabin so we often would spend the weekend at the cabin just to get away and have family time.
John started having some behavioral issues in 8th grade and was diagnosed by the pediatrician with ADHD. Also, around that time he began experimenting with marijuana and alcohol. As parents we just thought he was experimenting and rebelling. Things quickly unraveled with him using synthetic drugs in a vape, Xanax, Benadryl, cough syrup…pretty much anything he could find. This eventually escalated to cocaine, meth and fentanyl.
We did the best we could each step of the way from trying a different school to trying intensive outpatient treatment and online school. We also did the best we could with Lisa, his sister (the forgotten sibling) and tried to keep the lines of communication open. We found counseling for her and did our best, but it impacted her. Eventually through legal issues John ended up in his first rehab (6 months) and relapsed as soon as he completed it. This was just the beginning of several rehabs. During all of this he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and then began taking medication to help stabilize his moods. This was also a journey because it would take 3 years for him to agree that he may in fact have bipolar disorder. The hardest part of all of this as parents was watching your child make impulsive scary decisions and choices and not being able to talk him out of them. Our son did not listen to our wisdom and had to deal with many difficult consequences. This was sheer torture for us as we were used to protecting them and helping them.
We tried to control John by lecturing him, warning him about what might happen, trying to protect him by any means necessary but in the end none of that helped. I began going to a support group near my house and started to see that I was not alone in what I was going through. There is such freedom, power and peace in community. Eventually I was told about a PAL group because I was asked to facilitate one at our church. The thing I love about the PAL groups is that there is a teaching component to them. It is empowering to learn something that may help as we navigate this very difficult road. One thing that really sticks out to me is the lesson about treating your child like an adult – so very important and hard to do sometimes.
At some point we had to believe that we could not do it and to accept that God was able to protect and guide our son better than we were. We began to let go of trying to control the outcome and just encourage our son to get the help we knew he needed. It was so hard, but we had tried everything, and we simply knew we were not in control of this. We entrusted him to God, and watched as he made poor decisions, and we had to wait and allow the consequences to occur. I know that not everyone survives this and yet in our case, over and over the only explanation we have is that God protected him, provided a way for him and continues to bring restoration to our family. We believe that God loves our children more than we do and He is in control of the outcome.
I would like to say everything is the way I want it for my son. However, I have learned to accept things as they are. Right now, John is managing his own mental health medication and looking for a job. He wants to have a good life and knows that drugs have impacted it in a negative way. I am not sure that he wants to be completely sober, but I have grown on this journey, and I am able to allow him to make his own choices. He does not live with us, so it is easier to just love him where he is and let him decide.
Probably what is most amazing is that I am doing pretty well these days. When he struggles emotionally or has a setback, I do find myself getting pulled into the emotional roller coaster and I must remind myself that God is still in control. It has helped me to change my focus to what I am grateful for in those moments rather than go down the “what if” road. We met some of the most amazing people, particularly our PAL friends on this journey. Even though I facilitate a meeting, I am so thankful for the strong, loving parents that God has put in our path! Otherwise, I am sure I would not be in the place I am.
Grateful PAL Mom
