Part 1

Have you ever heard people say that an addicted person is really in denial about their problem? Well, I’m here to tell you that I don’t really believe that is usually the case. Sure, they may be denying that fact to you. This much I know to be true. I believe that the person is fully aware of the severity of their problem. Some reasons they may not be honest with you are because they are afraid to stop drinking or using a substance due to the physical and or psychological issues they are facing, or they fear the judgment and stigma they believe will follow if they admit to you that they are struggling.

As an Author, Executive Coach, and most important as a person who has healed from the grips of addiction, I am writing this because I want to help parents and loved ones understand the challenges and psychological struggles that are present in an addicted person’s mind. I hope that in doing so, vulnerable and honest discussions can ensue between you and your loved one that will open the lines of communication further. This methodology will help to provide a platform for discussion of viable alternatives to healing with a caring and judgment-free approach.

According to John Hopkins Medicine, stigma is a significant barrier to healing from addiction:

“A major barrier to overcoming the challenges of addiction and overdose in the community we serve is stigma. “Stigma” is a word that comes from Latin and Greek, and originally meant a burn, tattoo, or other mark inflicted on another person to signify their disgrace. Today, stigma means labeling, stereotyping, and discrimination. One example is using disparaging or judgmental terms to refer to addiction, people with substance use disorder, or treatments for the disease.”

I believe stigma prevented me from healing from my alcohol problem for the better part of a decade. I was a high-achieving executive and leader in the church, and yet, I was reluctant to share with anyone the truth of just how much I was drinking and the toll it was taking on my physical and psychological well-being. I would go to the doctor’s office and lie about the amount I was drinking. I went to counseling for major depressive disorder and anxiety related to a 29-year-old failed marriage.  I never disclosed to my therapist the fact that I used substances to deal with my distress. I was on the staff of the church yet never confided in my pastor about the challenges I was having controlling my intake.

However, not revealing my struggle with alcohol did not mean the level of alcohol I was consuming was not noticed. When a family member addressed this issue with me, and recommended I go to meetings and a 12-step program, I acted appalled at the suggestion that I belonged there. Please understand that I am NOT saying that these programs aren’t working and/or providing life-saving alternatives for some with addiction problems. I understand that they are, and they do. I’m just saying that this approach for me was a significant deal-breaker.

Was I in denial about the problem I was having? Absolutely not. I was trying to deal with it in the silence of my thoughts because I believed admitting to it would cause me a life-sentence of meetings, an acknowledgment that I was somehow defective (identifying character flaws), and a commitment to a lifetime of work called recovery. While I knew I had a problem that needed to be dealt with, that particular option was not one I was willing to consider.  As a person of faith, in my case a Christian, I don’t like the idea that I am labeled as a result of my shortcomings, what many consider sin. My logic asked, “Is someone who practices infidelity called a cheater for the rest of their life? Is someone who had a problem shoplifting called a thief for the rest of their life?” I was afraid that acknowledging my problem with alcohol by referring to myself as an alcoholic was a life sentence of being known for my problem.

I also didn’t buy into the concept that I had some character flaw that caused me to have an issue with drinking.  Aren’t we all flawed? Why do I need to stand over to the side and seemingly be looked at as “worse,” than others simply because of my particular issue? Finally, in terms of the word “recovery,” the thought of needing to deal with the physical withdrawal (which is the only pain I knew at the time) for the rest of my life was unthinkable.  Why are people in recovery for 25 years? Don’t they ever get recovered or heal? The thought was simply daunting when I understood how hard it was to quit for even a day or two.

This caused me to reflect on a similar situation from my past. I had the prior experience of being addicted to cigarettes, which is considered a much more difficult drug to withdraw from, equivalent to or worse than a heroin addiction. I needed nicotine from the moment I awoke till the moment I went to sleep. I smoked between 2 to 3 packs of cigarettes a day, and I ultimately needed a pharmaceutical drug to quit. If there was rehab for cigarettes back then, I would have been a perfect candidate. After several attempts over many years, I finally quit with the help of medical intervention. I know I could be tempted to go back to cigarettes, but I haven’t smoked in over 15 years, and in this case I don’t think of myself as a cigarette-aholic, a smokaholic, I had to make difficult changes in my habits and today the thought of smoking rarely enters my mind. I decided I was making bad decisions and with help I chose to live a different type of life because cigarettes were killing me, interfering with my quality of life, costing me too much money, and negatively affecting some important relationships.  I wanted something better for my life!

I now see the psychological toll it took to avoid any stigma related to my drinking.  It prevented me from healing from this horrible addiction, and I believe it unnecessarily stole many years of my life. It created fear and shame and was a barrier to open communication with so many people. It ultimately caused me to experience severe depression and a loss of will to live, which is very typical for someone with an alcohol or drug problem.

I now understand that there are many ways a person can get the help and support they need and whether they choose to call themselves an alcoholic or addict, is personal. How we learn to cope and live a life free from mind altering substances can have many forms.  However, none of those need to include shame and stigma which is keeping people from seeking the help they so desperately need.  We are all flawed, but we also can choose to focus on people as having value and gifts and not look down on them for their past or even current struggles.

For parents and family members of loved ones who are struggling, this stigma problem presents both a challenge and an opportunity. The challenge is found in shifting some of the narrative that might be currently employed around how to get help. For example, “You need to start going to meetings…” For the reasons I described above, this option may not be very appealing to the person who is trying to come to terms with their problem. This is also not how we speak to another adult by telling them what to do.  They may be like me and their minds go to “life sentence” and they shut out the idea. Unfortunately, today, most people change based on pain, that many times looks like slamming into the proverbial “brick wall” before they consider such options. It might be a hospital visit, a car accident, or some legal problem.  As their family we want to assure them we are for them and not against them. We want the best for them, and we will unconditionally love them throughout their journey.  We may not be able to do anything to “fix” them, but we certainly can be their biggest cheerleader.

Yet, opportunity is present! The opportunity is in never giving up hope that they will find a way to beat it. The opportunity is found in allowing them to take their own journey while knowing that every step they take is simply a part of their story that they can use to help someone else overcome. The opportunity is to believe in their ability to achieve a better life.  Shame is not only the wrong approach to beating this problem, I believe it can actually prevent people from feeling empowered enough to choose a different path for themselves. The real opportunity is in creating a safe and non-judgmental environment where authenticity and honesty can thrive.

Next month we will look at specifics on what you can do to help those around you that are struggling.

Rose Ann Forte is an award winning and international best-selling author of The Plans He Has for Me Daily Devotional.  She is also the creator of the Choose Freedom Program™ and Host of the Say Goodbye and Imagine Podcast.  She is passionate about providing resources that help people change their relationship with alcohol and other substances.