Adapted from The Four Seasons of Recovery
By Michael Speakman (founder of PAL)
As parents, helping comes naturally. It’s wired into us. When our children struggle—especially with substance use—we often do everything we can to protect, guide, and support them. But sometimes, in our effort to help, we may actually be getting in the way.
Over time, many of us fall into certain “roles” without even realizing it. We may become the rescuer, constantly stepping in to fix problems. Or the enforcer, trying to control behavior. Some of us lecture, others ignore. Some try to manage everything, while others pretend things aren’t as bad as they seem. These roles come from a good place—but they often treat our adult child like a child, not an adult. And that can create tension, resentment, and confusion—for everyone involved.
I remember a story about a young man in his late teens living at home while struggling with prescription drug misuse that began after a legitimate injury. His parents were doing everything they could to help—providing financial support, managing his money, even trying to guide his daily decisions. And yet, instead of gratitude, they saw frustration, defiance, and even hostility.
Sound familiar?
What they eventually came to understand—something many of us learn the hard way—is this: You can’t over-help someone into adulthood.
Their son was in that difficult in-between place—no longer a child, but not yet fully independent. And while his parents expected adult behavior, they were still parenting him like he was younger. The more they stepped in, the more he pushed back. Not because he didn’t care. But because he didn’t feel trusted. He didn’t feel free to become who he was meant to be.
That realization was a turning point. His parents began to take a hard but healthy step back. They started cutting some of the “strings” attached to their support. They allowed more space for independence—even when it felt uncomfortable or risky. And something powerful happened.
Their relationship began to shift. They moved from being managers of his life… to models of healthy adulthood. They even reached a point where they could say something many of us struggle to say: “I’m sorry for treating you like a child when you are an adult.” That moment opened the door to a new kind of relationship—one based on respect, ownership, and growth.
Now, this doesn’t mean their son suddenly had it all figured out. Like many adult children, he still wrestled with wanting both independence and the security of being cared for. That tug-of-war is normal. But his parents had changed something fundamental.
They changed their role. At PAL, we often talk about this shift—from parenting a child to parenting an adult child. It’s not easy. It can feel like stepping into the unknown. There are no guarantees, and it requires letting go of control in ways that can be deeply uncomfortable. But it is also one of the most powerful ways we can positively influence our loved one.
When we step out of roles like rescuer, controller, or enforcer, we create space for something new:
- Personal responsibility
- Real-life consequences
- Growth through adversity
- And ultimately, the opportunity for lasting change
Just as important, we let go of something else—false guilt.
Most of us didn’t know a better way. We were doing the best we could with what we understood at the time. Beating ourselves up for the past doesn’t help us—or our loved one—move forward.
What does help is this:
A willingness to learn. A willingness to change. A willingness to trust the process—even when it’s hard. If you see yourself in some of these roles, you’re not alone. Every parent in PAL has been there in one way or another. The good news?
You can choose a different role today. And that choice—more than anything—can become a model of hope for your loved one. Because when we change… it often creates the space for them to change too.
Remember, no family should walk alone.
You can purchase the book directly through PAL here:
https://palgroup.org/resources/
