I am the parent of two stepdaughters and a grandparent to seven grandchildren. When Kathy was five years old, her mother and I became a family. From an early age, my stepdaughter Kathy stood out as bright and capable. Unlike her older sister, she didn’t seem to need to study as hard, and she excelled naturally in school. She also had a deep love for animals, and our home was always full of them—at various times we had dogs, hamsters, and even a ferret.
Even as a child, However, Kathy was often defiant, and as she got older, she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I don’t remember her exact age when substance use began, but I know she was young when she started using marijuana. She married at a young age and continued using marijuana with her husband. Over the course of their 15-year marriage, drug use expanded beyond marijuana to pills.
During that marriage, Kathy had her first child and was sober for a period of time. After the divorce, however, she entered another relationship and became pregnant again. They lived together, but when conflicts arose, she would leave and spend time with friends who were using methamphetamines. That period ultimately ended with her arrest, and we were given temporary custody of her daughter.
For the next three years, Kathy lived with us while attending drug court and caring for her child. By the time she completed the program and graduated, she was sober and stable. I truly believed that her struggles with addiction were behind her. During that season, she had two more children and later married again.
Unfortunately, that relationship followed a familiar pattern—possessive, narcissistic, and abusive. Kathy introduced her husband to methamphetamines, and from there things spiraled quickly.
Not long after, Kathy experienced a devastating series of losses. Her mother passed away, followed shortly by her biological father. Then, her best friend died suddenly in an accident. These events compounded her grief and trauma, and her substance use escalated once again. Kathy’s sister once sought a court order that resulted in Kathy being involuntarily detained after she began expressing suicidal behaviors. When she was released, the decision was made to help send her to an inpatient treatment program in another state.
Looking back, we often ask ourselves what we could have done differently. Were we enabling her? Probably. Were we treating her like a child instead of recognizing that her emotional growth had been delayed and that our well-meaning help may have been causing harm? Absolutely.
A turning point came when my niece told me about PAL. I attended a meeting, and the weekly lessons and discussions opened my eyes. Before PAL, I had never heard the term delayed emotional growth, and I had no understanding of how deeply my enabling was affecting both Kathy and me. I learned that helping without boundaries wasn’t love—it was actually a part of keeping her stuck.
Through PAL, I finally understood the importance of healthy boundaries. They weren’t about punishment or control; they were about allowing my loved one to experience responsibility and choice. When Kathy returned from treatment, I used the PAL contract to establish clear expectations for our help. Little by little, I stopped enabling and started stepping back, allowing her to make her own decisions and live with the outcomes.
Today, Kathy is living on her own and has steady employment. She shares time with her children, and while their fathers have primary custody, they are supportive of her continued involvement. As for me, I am doing well—living my life, focusing on my own growth, and allowing my loved one to walk her own path.
The tools I’ve learned through PAL have changed my life. I no longer carry the weight of trying to fix what I cannot control. Instead, I’ve learned how to love with boundaries—and that has made all the difference.
“Healthy boundaries aren’t walls—they’re bridges to growth. Without boundaries, love becomes enabling instead of empowering.”
— A PAL Dad
