With December upon us and the holidays closing in, it is very important to recognize all the various emotions and thoughts that take place during these last months of the year. The holiday season tends to be commercialized as a time of joy, celebration, and family connection. While that may be the case in many instances, and we want people to definitely feel that way throughout the entire year, it is also important to recognize that it is not always so. Families dealing with an addicted loved one can find this time of year to be the most difficult to navigate.
For instance, there are many people in which this time of year has a lot of mental and emotional triggers for them. For some people, the thought of getting together with a bunch of family members may be stressful as they struggle with their own social anxiety and may not feel comfortable around others, particularly if they fear judgment from others about their loved one’s addiction. There are other people whose worse substance use was during this time of year, and their intoxication led to a fracturing of family relationships. On that same note, some people working on their own sobriety may feel that their recovery can be at risk if others around them drink excessively during the holidays. Additionally, others may have issues in addition to the problems with their loved one and view the holidays as reminders of times passed when a tragic event happened, such as a divorce, bankruptcy, loss of a job, homelessness, a medical diagnosis, or the passing of a loved one.
In my clinical practice, I begin the process of checking in with clients around the month of September to assess where they are and come up with a strategy plan for the remaining four months of the year, especially for those people who struggle a great deal during this period. Here are some of my top suggestions I recommend to people who struggle during the holiday season.
First, it will be important for people to create a plan for how they will spend the holiday season. If you have a family or a partner, talk to them about how you feel and create an agreement on who with and where certain holidays will be spent and what that period of time is going to look like. In part, if you have a loved one who is resisting help and treatment, it might be easy to not follow through with the boundaries you have set when your desire for nostalgia kicks in. This is why it is important to think about this in advance and have a plan. Again, if you have set a boundary, such as if your loved one is actively using, they will not be invited to family functions, so stick with it. If you feel you need to see them, and it is not relaxing a previous boundary, consider meeting at a neutral location such as a restaurant where you can leave if things are uncomfortable or do not go as expected.
Second, it is essential to surround yourself with a healthy support system, especially if the holidays are a struggle. People who you can trust and talk to when feeling alone or sad can be critically helpful in getting you out of some tough times. Making plans with loved ones or close friends who are aware of your situation and support you can be a great way to help you get through any lonely times during the holidays. Support groups at your church, PAL meetings, etc., can also be a great way to maintain healthy fellowship and connections. Please note, if you or you know someone who has thoughts or plans of harming themselves or others, please get help immediately by calling 911, checking yourself into a hospital, or encouraging them to seek a higher level of care.
Third, it will be critical to be mindful of the ways you are coping with stressors during the holiday season. Coping in unhealthy ways, such as engaging in increasing amounts of substances (such as alcohol or drugs) or expressing high levels of anger, blame, or even isolation, must be monitored so as not to reach a high level of mental health acuity. Also, consuming excessive amounts of caffeine and nicotine can heighten anxiety for people who struggle with that condition in the first place. Engaging in healthy coping mechanisms, such as mindfulness techniques (e.g., meditation, grounding techniques, breathing exercises, journaling), exercising, and eating healthy foods can all be other ways to cope with healthier means.
Lastly, to create a sense of optimism and hopefulness about the future, creating goals for the new year can be helpful. Not so much New Year’s resolutions, but rather taking to the next level those areas of your life that you are currently working on. For those of you who are too focused on your loved ones, this is a time for healthy self-care. Some of these areas could be your physical health, mental health, and social health. For example, focusing on healthy eating, practicing more positive affirmations, or increasing your fellowship of supportive people in your life are all different ways to take these important areas to another level.
So, though the holidays can be a time of joy and celebration for many, however, those who are dealing with an addicted loved one may find this to be the toughest period in their lives. If appropriate in your situation, you can find ways to communicate with them to provide encouragement and let them know you will always support sobriety and recovery. You can send an encouraging note via a text message, a phone call, or a written note they have value and worth. This can be life-changing in helping them get through these moments of struggle. Not to say that you are to be their counselor or therapist, but simple gestures, such as a text, phone call, or note reminding them of their worth can be profound. In the same vein, please remember also to take care of your own needs because if you’re not your healthy self, it’s very hard to be of service to others.
Happy Holidays!
Brian F. Licuanan, PhD
Author: How to Get Your Resisting Loved One into Treatment: A Step-by-Step Plan for Mental Health and/or Addiction Crises
