I am free today of the trauma I carried far too long. I am a parent of an adult son who has substance use disorder. My son is 39 years old and has been a polysubstance abuser for 25 years. Much of that time he has been unhoused. Shane has had type 1 diabetes since the age of 3. He also has been diagnosed as bipolar II. His father died from bipolar disease, so that condition is likely not the type of bipolar that often dissipates when our loved ones enter recovery. He is labeled in the system as “medically fragile” due to his combination of conditions.
My son is an amazing, brilliant, kind human being. He is a talented street musician and a “busker” who began playing at a local marketplace when he was 16. I now know his first drug experience was at around 12, when he needed a medical procedure. He had developed a condition that occurs often with people who have juvenile diabetes, and this procedure would provide the best outcome. After the procedure, he was prescribed opiates for pain. This was in 1997. He states the feeling he had while on the pain meds was a feeling he wanted to feel for the rest of his life. That desire eventually led to marijuana and alcohol use and progressed to many other substances.
Today, my son is on methadone and lives in an enhanced shelter. He is still using and addicted to non-prescribed substances. He now has a desire to taper from the non-prescribed drugs in hopes of living a life free of those drugs and all the things that come along with it. I have learned to look at the behavior, not the words. We spoke for just over 40 minutes last night. He was lucid, and I saw glimpses of how I remembered him pre-addiction. By the end of the conversation, his speech slowed, and I could tell that some substance was involved, perhaps just kicking in. I let him know what I observed and told him how much I love him, and that I needed to end the conversation due to his being drug-affected. He told me he loved me, and that he understood.
Our relationship is the most transparent it has ever been. We listen, and we accept. I live with the real possibility I will outlive my son. I know each time I answer the phone, it could be “the call.” Many times, I have spoken with teams of ICU doctors about what I believe my son’s last wishes are. I also know that dwelling on this is not healthy. For some reason, he is alive today. God is not done with him yet, and I am grateful for that fact every minute I am alive. As long as my child has breath in his lungs, I choose hope. Through all of this, I found PAL.
By the grace of God, through PAL and therapy, today I have come out of the other side of my PTSD related to my son’s choices. I now know, as one of my fellow PAL members said, that his journey is no longer my journey. I decided to follow my path, the path God had in mind when He created me. I am living in the fruit of healing while my son is still using. I believe he will choose recovery one day. It will be when he is ready and not a moment before.
Joy has returned in my life now that I have chosen healing. I now see I was holding my breath, not living life to the fullest, waiting for my son to be in recovery. Leaving behind worry and control and the need to know feels as though I have been given time back into my life. My relationships with others are being restored. I am part of the present, not just an observer. The next step in my journey is graduate school. I began in the Fall 2024. I am very excited to pick up my studies again.
Thank you, PAL, parent of a loved one.
