We have eight children and five grandchildren.
Our daughter has always been strong and independent. She protected and cared deeply for the people she loved. As a mother, she was amazing—loving and nurturing with her children. I cherished watching her with them and seeing her pour out the kind of love that I sometimes struggled to express to her and her siblings because of my own challenges. She had a gift for seeing the good in people and was always willing to help however she could.
She started using marijuana at a young age and later entered a relationship with the father of her children, who struggled with opioid addiction for most of their time together. As life became more difficult, she eventually lost her job and began using harder drugs alongside him. I don’t know everything she used, but I do know that marijuana, cocaine, heroin, and fentanyl were among them.
They were repeatedly involved with law enforcement because of their substance use, which ultimately led to the removal of their children from the home. We were granted guardianship as a result. During this time, they lost stable housing and became homeless. Both now have felony convictions related to their drug use and associated activity.
I tried to help her access treatment through my insurance, but she refused to go. I also brought her to a local recovery program in hopes that she would enter treatment, but she would not commit. We have never stopped praying for her, and she has attended church with me a few times. Despite these efforts, she continues to choose her boyfriend and that lifestyle. We have made it clear that we are ready to help her with a step-by-step plan to get established whenever she is ready to turn her life around.
They are still homeless. They had found work, but I am unsure whether they are still employed. We had a disagreement and have not spoken for some time, so I do not know the details of their current situation.
I found PAL while searching online for support groups for grandparents raising grandchildren. At the time, there wasn’t a local meeting available, so I began attending online meetings whenever I was able.
PAL has given me hope and a sense of community during one of the hardest seasons of my life. Before finding PAL, I felt very alone as a grandparent raising grandchildren in the middle of so much chaos. The meetings reminded me that I am not the only one walking this path and that support and understanding are available.
The most helpful principles for me have been “Don’t do for the loved one what they can do for themselves” and “Detach with love.” These principles have helped me set healthier boundaries, let go of guilt, and understand that I cannot fix the situation, no matter how much I want to. Instead, I can focus on creating stability and love for my grandchildren while remaining ready to support their parents if and when they truly choose to seek help.
PAL has taught me practical tools, but more than that, it has given me peace of mind, encouragement, and a safe place to share openly without judgment. It has been life-changing to know that I am not alone and that there is a path forward, even when the circumstances are still very difficult.
I have learned to love “from a distance” and not take ownership of my daughter’s choices, addiction, or recovery. I am no longer “as happy as my least happy child,” an adage I once swore by and even took some pride in. I have learned that my children’s happiness and wellness, or lack thereof, do not determine my own mental and emotional state. That would set me up for a lifetime of unpredictable emotions. Why would I give that control away?
While I still experience fear and sorrow, those feelings now run at a low hum in the background instead of being the main event of my life. I can focus at work again. I have better boundaries. I know what is mine and what is not. I actually feel relief knowing that I do not have to solve this problem. After years of making this issue solely mine to fix—a recipe for failure—I can finally take a step back.
My daughter recently sent me a letter from jail saying that I have done everything right. This came from a child I had to ask to leave my home, whom I have had to call the police on and drive to the emergency room for drug testing after a single-car accident, among other painful experiences. I do not know what the future holds, but I know that I am in the best place I could possibly be after years of torment over my daughter’s addiction.
PAL is a lifesaver. Therapy has also been useful, but PAL offers a community of people walking similar paths, which adds immensely to the experience.
A PAL Mom
