My husband and I have been married for 31 years and have two children. Our younger son, Mark, is the subject of this story.
For much of his childhood and teenage years, Mark was the kind of son every parent hopes for. He was a good student, active in sports and music, and talented in both. We moved him to a Christian school in seventh grade, and I still remember the pride my husband and I felt when he received an award for his accomplishments in religious studies. Later, he became heavily involved in music ministry at church, regularly participating in Sunday services, holiday programs, and youth events. He eventually earned a music scholarship to a Christian university where he planned to continue both music and soccer after graduation.
Then things began to unravel.
One day we were called into a meeting with his school principal and informed that Mark had been using marijuana. We were stunned. The school warned that a second incident would result in expulsion. Sadly, it happened again, and he was asked to leave. After several rejections from private schools, he enrolled in a local public high school, where he finished his education while continuing to participate in band and soccer.
The challenges didn’t stop there.
Just six weeks into his first semester at a Christian university, Mark was arrested on a felony drug possession charge. He spent four months in county jail and was expelled from school. There were also two alcohol-related car accidents that caused significant property damage. Later, after graduating from a public university, he returned home while working a series of restaurant jobs and looking for a professional position.
During that time, his drinking and drug use became progressively worse.
At first, we didn’t fully understand the extent of the problem. Eventually it became impossible to ignore. He slept excessively, struggled with responsibility, lost jobs, faced repeated rejections, and was arrested for public intoxication. Our home became increasingly tense, and our relationship with him suffered.
The addiction also began affecting our marriage.
Like many parents, we wanted desperately to help. We suggested counseling, Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, sponsors, outpatient treatment, and anything else we thought might make a difference. Mark participated in some of these efforts for brief periods, but nothing seemed to stick. We were frustrated, frightened, and unsure what to do next.
Everything began to change when I met with the leader of an AA ministry at our church. She listened to our story and introduced us to PAL, Parents of Addicted Loved Ones.
Attending PAL was one of the most important decisions we’ve made.
Through the educational lessons and the stories shared by other parents, we began to understand addiction in a completely different way. We learned that addiction affects the brain in powerful ways and that our son was dealing with a serious illness. We also learned something much harder: despite our good intentions, we were often enabling behaviors that kept him from experiencing the natural consequences of his choices and not allowing him to grow and learn.
PAL taught us the importance of healthy boundaries, consistency, and allowing natural consequences to become powerful teachers. We learned that we could love our son deeply without rescuing him from every difficult situation.
Perhaps most importantly, PAL helped my husband and me become allies instead of opponents. Hearing the same lessons and listening to other parents’ experiences helped us get on the same page. Instead of arguing about what to do, we began approaching the situation as a team.
Mark’s ongoing choices and the resulting chaos made it necessary for us to establish a boundary: he could no longer live in our home. We also made it clear that if he visited, he could not bring alcohol into the house or arrive intoxicated. When those boundaries were violated, there were consequences.
Those decisions were not easy.
In fact, some of them were heartbreaking.
Today, Mark lives with his girlfriend. Despite her love and support, she also struggles with the effects addiction has on his life. Our relationship with him remains strained at times, and he recently lost another job after showing up intoxicated.
His story is still being written.
So is ours.
My husband and I continue to attend PAL meetings every week. Even after hearing the lessons multiple times, we continue to learn. There is always something new to understand, and the guest speakers and other parents regularly provide insight, encouragement, and hope.
Life is far from perfect, but our home is healthier than it was before PAL. We communicate better. We make decisions together. We have learned that while we cannot control another person’s choices, we can control our own responses.
Addiction is a devastating disease, and we don’t pretend otherwise. We still worry. We still hurt. We still hope.
But today our hope is grounded in something stronger than wishful thinking. It is grounded in knowledge, healthy boundaries, community, and the belief that recovery remains possible.
We pray that one day Mark will find his path to lasting recovery.
PAL Parent
If your family is facing the pain of addiction, know that you are not alone. Seek support, keep learning, establish healthy boundaries, and take the first step toward your own healing. PAL helped change our family, and it may help change yours as well.
