Last month, we explored The Drama Triangle, and learned how easy it is to get stuck in the drama and chaos that our addicted loved one creates in the midst of their illness. When we take on the roles of rescuer, persecutor, or victim, our behaviors, thoughts and feelings are focused on controlling what’s outside of ourselves – controlling our loved one. We attempt to control or “fix” our loved one by releasing our anger, pain or helplessness onto them, or by taking control of their recovery. This often comes from a place of love and care. We hope and pray it will wake them up and help them realize their need for change. Our intent deep down may be to help our loved one, but the impact is that our loved one often continues to struggle, and our peace is robbed from us. While it may seem to “work” at times, such as when our emotions or words manipulate our loved one to make a right choice, they will only truly recover when their motivation comes from within themselves and not as a result of our desire for them to change.
When loving someone with an addiction, we must realize that we are also in recovery. We have been damaged in the destructive path of addiction, and we have made wrong choices in the process that have hurt ourselves, our loved ones, and those around us. The fear and anger mixed with the compassion for our loved one has kept us stuck.
We have to make the brave and terrifying decision to shift our focus from our loved one, to ourselves. This also helps us get out of the way and give God a chance to intervene. The Empowerment Dynamic (TED) shows us how to do just that. While The Drama Triangle helped us to conceptualize the patterns that have been keeping us stuck, The Empowerment Dynamic teaches us how to move to a place of personal power where we can find peace within ourselves and with God even when our loved one is continuing to struggle. In the Empowerment Dynamic, we move from focusing on our addicted loved one to focusing on ourselves. Let’s take a look at the new roles we can embody that will bring peace to ourselves, and return responsibility to our addicted loved one, giving them the chance to take their recovery into their own hands.
The shift in roles looks like this:
Persecutor → Challenger
Rescuer → Coach
Victim → Creator
The first role is Challenger. While the persecutor is driven by anger and resentment, the challenger channels this energy and passion into challenging their loved one. Persecutor’s allow their anger to take control, and their concern and pain comes out as bullying, degrading, judgmental, attacking, and destructive. When we transition to a role of Challenger, we are conscious of our words and behaviors. Our emotions are not in control, and we can speak truth in a firm yet calm manner. Instead of “What’s wrong with you! How could you do something so stupid?” we might say “I know you can do this! I have seen you do challenging things before. I believe in your ability to make different choices when you are ready.”
The second role is Coach. As a rescuer, we swooped in to save our loved one from their consequences, and we tried to facilitate their recovery for them. We may have sacrificed much (emotionally, with finances, our time, and our own responsibilities) to try and keep them safe or help them turn to recovery. As a coach, we no longer view them as a victim. Our new motto is “How will you do it?” We used to tell them what to do, how to fix it, how to heal, but now we return responsibility and dignity to them by asking good questions. We invite them to take responsibility and control of their life, and we accept and admit to ourselves that the responsibility has always been theirs anyways. We can support and assist them to appropriate lengths when asked for help, but we maintain our role as coach and not rescuer. We learn to set boundaries and keep them.
The final role is Creator. As a victim, we felt powerless, we blamed others for our loved ones issues, and we blamed our loved ones for the chaos in our lives. As a creator, we proclaim “I have choices!” While it is a process, we can find peace and serenity even while our loved one continues in their addiction. We can set boundaries. We can say no. We can get support for ourselves. While at times we may experience being a true victim (such as in cases of abuse), we refuse to take on being a victim as our identity. We cannot always control what happens, but we can always choose how to respond.
Remembering the drama triangle patterns, we can start to identify when we are falling into dysfunctional roles. With increased self awareness and a new understanding of how these roles perpetuate the chaos, we can make conscious decisions to shift to the new roles of The Empowerment Dynamic.
There are many ways to work on our own recovery and to help us transition from the roles of the drama triangle to the empowerment dynamic. In the spirit of the creator role, we have choices! Attending your PAL group is a great way to continue to add helpful tools to your tool belt. Seeking counseling from someone well versed in addiction and codependency, spending time in prayer, and attending other support groups can also support us on our own recovery journey. I invite you to join me in this important endeavor, as we remember that we are not alone, and we never walk alone. God promises to hold our hand every step of the way.
Cassie Greene, MA, LAC, AZ Counseling Collective, Cassie feels called to help others walk through the challenge of loving someone with an addiction.
